Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.