Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
April 1st is the class clown of days.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.