You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
You Might Also Like
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?