Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
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Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
#dnd #ttrpg
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him