Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys