My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
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*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
And bowling should be called pinball
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
so i’m at the stock market right
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool