If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
You Might Also Like
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.