People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
same vibe as tangled headphones
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.