Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Sunday
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.