[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
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I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.