At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
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In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.