Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.