Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
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Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something