Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
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Lmbo
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
stand with me against insufficient seating
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
This is hilarious….
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you