Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.