[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
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Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
He died doing what he loved: being alive
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.