why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
You Might Also Like
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
satan: not today, microsoft teams
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes