Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
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Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
😎 🍻
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567