mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Woke up against my better judgment again
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Danger is very dangerous