anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
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“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Received some very disappointing news today
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime