As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Birds & Planes.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears