There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
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Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.