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People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.