Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
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Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day