I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
You Might Also Like
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.