I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.