If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
You Might Also Like
m鈥檒ady
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I don鈥檛 know why these at-home workouts aren鈥檛 working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My phone: 58%.
My husband鈥檚 phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
All I鈥檓 saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 馃槀馃槀
[noticing that the girl i鈥檓 talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you鈥檝e won a super bowl
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Airports have the right idea. If you鈥檙e gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It鈥檚 only fair.