My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
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my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My neck, my back, my…
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative