trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
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The Book. The Movie.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
love it when they get my name right
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Who says great literature is dead?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her