me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
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4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree