Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Should I call tech support or pray or what