I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
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Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do