I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
The symmetry is uncanny.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.