I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
*me flirting
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
A classic…