As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
You Might Also Like
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office