I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
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Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
im 7 sauces long
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..