People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
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Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
The Punning Dead.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.