Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
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I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher