“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
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surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!