“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
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My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.