Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I’m just playing devils avocado here
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.