[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
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Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.