live, laugh, laundry.
You Might Also Like
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”