My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
You Might Also Like
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.