“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
fourth time’s the charm
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Jogging
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?