me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White