If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Who knew!
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both