From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Camping tip: No.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one