Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
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[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Thinking about Jeff
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.