Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
You Might Also Like
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.